"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
