I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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