Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
