i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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