Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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