just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
someone owes me an orgasm
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
