Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
