I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
