mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
