i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
