I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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