My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Randomize
