I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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