I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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