The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
