can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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