i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
