i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
