a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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