Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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