stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
