You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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