Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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