Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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