Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Sober January is a disaster.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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