Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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