it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
