I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
