I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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