so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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