My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
