my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
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