I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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