This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
