Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
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