the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
