I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
