At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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