My hand turned me down
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
