Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
