I got her a Nickelback box set.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
