Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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