Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Is it because I queefed?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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