i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Houston, we have a blender
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
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