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You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
We need to rekindle our bromance
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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