I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
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