I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I have fence marks all over my body
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
