i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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