Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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