gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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