You're completely useless in the revolution.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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