I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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